Thirty-seven years ago while raising my son, Brandon, I often found myself stuck in shame, frozen with fear, and paralyzed by pride.  I have had private “Why me” parties. I made signs that said, “Unfair” and I would march around the house with my sign shouting unfair when no one was home.  I was sad, frustrated and angry and I had no one to talk to. I most often lived out into the future in the dangerous “what if” zone.

I was living in the dark while raising my son, Brandon.   It was 1973, no one understood what my son had and I never understood why my son acted the way he did. He couldn’t make a friend, although he never stopped trying.  Words came flying out of his mouth backwards and all mixed up. What he said irritated the other children and he became the target and was beat up and bullied several times a week, all while at school.

In 1982, at age nine, we discovered that Brandon had epilepsy and the neurologist told us to keep it a secret, due to the stigma attached to having epilepsy.  Keeping a health issue a secret creates more harm than good and only adds shame to the diagnosis.  You might need to sit down for this next comment.  The missing piece of the puzzle that Brandon had autism, didn’t come until he was thirty-two years old.

I write this blog for parents who have felt this same pain, sadness, sorrow, loss, and any other emotion in between.  Although the feelings can be extremely uncomfortable, unfortunately it is a necessary process to learn how to move through these feelings and learn how to let them go when raising children with autism and special needs.

I could not rid myself of these negative feelings until I was able to accept Brandon for exactly who he was.  That took many years when I was able to begin to let go of these unwanted feelings.  This too was a process.

However, what I did learn is the sooner I was able to accept Brandon and realize he was no longer my opponent raising Brandon became much easier. 

What I wish someone would have told me years ago is that we need to be kind to ourselves.  We need to take care of ourselves first.  We must be able to ask for help, assistance and support from people who care.  The great news is nowadays you don’t have to do this alone.

As parents, we are asked to navigate along this very windy, bumpy road with all the unexpected twists and turns.  It takes stamina and perseverance. But we do it because we love our children.  We want our children to live the best life possible, and that is every parent’s dream.

I hear this all the time from other parents and myself included I have learned so much along the autism, special needs trail and I have become a much kinder more loving person in the process.  

Even though this is a road I would have never have chosen, I have learned a lot along the way. This road has taught me how to help my son, Brandon live his dream of independence, and it has also given me my life’s purpose.  I am now an Autism Motivational Speaker, an Independent Living Coach, and Author.

Although my son has been able to live on his own for the past thirteen years we still have everyday challenges to work through and many more hurdles to overcome.  He continues to grow and develop and that keeps me motivated and filled with love and compassion as we continue up the autism and special needs trail blazing it for ourselves and for others to follow.  

I wish for each and every parent along this trail to find Hope, Support, Answers and most of all, Acceptance.

If I can be of service in anyway please contact me at: www.AmaliaStarrSpeakerAutism.com 

There is Hope!

Amalia Starr

Brandon’s brother stood him up once again. When I asked him how he felt he said, “He does this all the time. Mom, I expected it to happen, but I don’t take it personally anymore. It’s his stuff.  He just can’t find time for me.”

This used to make Brandon feel sad and disappointed, but this time he was able to deal with it by not taking it personally.

We have worked very hard in this area so he doesn’t feel terribly hurt when someone doesn’t keep their promise or needs to change the time or date. I was so happy to hear Brandon’s response and so happy it didn’t ruin his day, as it had in the past.

It is fantastic to see Brandon change and develop, especially in an area that has always been so difficult for him.  Having a set routine and having plans that are made in stone are very important to Brandon and to other children and adults who have autism and special needs. When their plans are broken or changed, it can be extremely hard for them to accept.   That is why I am writing about this today, because it was such a huge breakthrough for Brandon.

We must keep on teaching our special needs children and adults all aspects of life and when we do over time it often works.  When we see growth and maturation, it is encouraging, which helps to refuel parents and keep us going.

There is HOPE!