When do we see our children’s lives as being “Good Enough”?  When do we stop pushing them?  When are we okay with letting go of the outcome?  When do we accept their lives as being different than we thought or wanted? When do we realize that we as parents are here to support, teach, guide and love our children for who they are and how they live? 

These answers hit me like a ton of bricks just a few weeks ago when my son, Brandon celebrated his thirty-ninth birthday.  Brandon has been making good progress over the years, but this year was very different.  He was able to tell me he needed and wanted me to move back and give him more space. Well, that was the essence of the conversation although he did not say it so nicely.  That is one of Brandon’s areas he has the most difficulty with, conquering how to ask for what he wants and say it in a kind manner. 

Of course, I know he never means to be mean, but often what he says sounds rude or nasty.  This time I got what he was saying loud and clear.  It touched my heart.  After all these years it is finally time to have even more space between us.  That is beautiful and what we have been diligently working towards for the past thirty-nine years and it is finally here. But I want to be honest, when it happened I cried with joyful and elated tears while at the same time I was crying with tears of sadness from what appears to be a huge piece to the final separation.  

Over the past several weeks, Brandon vacillated back and forth with his decision to become more independent, but I know that this too is a process.  He takes two steps forward and one step backwards. However, at least we are now on the same page helping Brandon to have the space he needs to grow and develop even more. 

I could not be happier to see my son want to be more on his own.  I honor his decision, timing, and I support him with love.  When I hung up the phone with Brandon the words “Good Enough” screamed out to me.

Finally, after all these years I am able to come to terms with my son’s life being “Good Enough”.  A matter of fact, the term “Good Enough” I now use in all facets of my life.  I am no longer seeking perfection, instead I know when something is “Good Enough” and I am able to move along quicker and be happier in my life and take more risks. I am no longer seeking the dreadful word of perfection.  This has been a real eye opener and has released me from what holds most of us back from taking risks and really living our lives to the fullest.   I am even more willing to play and be silly and treat life as a joyful journey not treating all that I do with the dreaded perfection, which seems to often also create fear.  

I feel free and I see that is exactly what my son, Brandon wants.  Freedom is what we all want and deserve.  So, if you ever get stuck being a perfectionist remember to replace perfection with “Good Enough,” it is sure to change your outlook and release you from anxiety and bring you great pleasure. 

When I was an adult, my mother shared a story about me when I was four years old. I was the youngest of three girls and one day while my mom was swinging me in the park, I told her to stop pushing me.  I said, “I can do it by myself.”  My mother said she stopped pushing and when she backed away from the swing she began to cry.  She said to herself, my baby is growing up and she does not need me anymore.  She said it was one of the saddest days of her life. 

I never understood how she felt until recently when my thirty-nine year old son, Brandon did something very similar.  Keep in mind that Brandon has been living on his own for the past fifteen years. 

When I called Brandon a couple of weeks ago he answered the phone and said, “What do you want?” in a rude tone of voice. After I answered him no matter what I said, his new response went something like this, “Yeah, yeah, yeah”, and he would repeat it. He has been doing that for over a week now.

At first, I felt offended and a wave of sadness rushed over me. Then I realized that Brandon was trying to tell me he needed more space.  But instead, because he has great difficulty with words and expressing himself this was the best he could do.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  My son who I have spent almost forty years trying to teach him how to become more independent was now showing me that all these years spent were finally paying off. I have to give Brandon credit because it took a lot of courage for him to speak out even if he was unable to execute it in a kind way.  I know that we all have to start somewhere. 

Once again, I am asked to “let go” and this time even more so.  The “letting go” process is never easy, but it is required of all of us if and when we want our children to become more independent. 

Brandon was just trying to become more independent much like the story I shared with you about my mother pushing me on the swing at the beginning of this post.  Yes, I was four then and Brandon is now thirty-nine and quite honestly it really does not matter how long it takes to become independent as long as our children are headed in the right direction growing and developing one step at a time.

I discovered that independence is like a dance. But more recently, I discovered independence has many different dances.  As a parent you need to know what tune is playing.  Is it a slow waltz, a quick step, or the funky chicken? Knowing the correct tune makes a huge difference since it helps you to know when to step in and when to step out. 

I realized I was dancing to the wrong tune, an old tune.  At that time, I knew if I backed up and gave Brandon space he would come around.  Several days later we were able to begin to talk about when he needs me and when he does not. We are now in the midst of talking about it more and finding out what it is he really wants and does not want. I can see that this too will be a process much like everything else.

The reason I felt it was very important to write about this story is because sometimes we do not think our children or adults with autism are changing or growing, but as you can see with Brandon his growth and development continues on.  Even when we do not see any changes for a long period of time we cannot give up.  We must continue to teach in a kind way and step in and out to the tune that is playing at that particular time.  Our special needs children and adults certainly keep us on our toes and as they continue to grow and change we must too.